I decided to wait for a day before I immortalize this snippet of my thoughts. A day for me to be sure, a day for me to let the emotions settle down, for the sake of fairness, for the sake of him, still.
You lost someone good. You lost someone sincerely, honestly, faithfully good.
It may be too late for me to say it, but at least I am saying it still. You lost someone who loved and cared for you immensely, someone who without any doubt wanted you to be part of his life, and should i even utter it, part of his life forever. But you gave that all away... all away to someone who according to you, you didn't even like.
It was not too many days ago that I realized how cheaply I felt, to have been so easily replaced by someone you "don't even like". Despite how many times I reassured you of my love, and my deep affection for you, despite how I made allowances for you, in the end, it was just too easy shelved in exchange for satisfying the curiosity of you trying to be a whore, a term you used for your act of betrayal.
How should I come to terms with this? I really do not know. So many days have passed and I still do not understand. Part of me still wants to pursue knowing, for my own sake, but a greater part of me lost hope already since, to truly understand, I would need to revisit my love for you again. I would need to revisit my memories of you and the friend you betrayed me with again... something that I feel i have done enough already considering during the times when it should have been me who got comforted, I was too busy consoling and comforting the two of you.
People have thought of me insane and stupid for what I did, and they certainly did not mince words in reaction to the gravity of what the two of you have done, but I could not share in their hate. I could not share in their negativity because, I guess, despite it all, I could still see me loving you, unconditionally, as how love and loving should be.
But enough of it now. You so fittingly mentioned it, putting the past completely behind. As you were quick to shelve my love for a few chances for lust, you are too quick to also move to putting things behind. You are indeed efficient. You always have. You always will be.
So here are my new thoughts on the matter, new thoughts sprung from old wounds still healing for a deep cut worsened by an infection I am still trying to control... alone.
The bitterness has bitten, and I hate myself for feeling this way.
I hope you are happy. One of us should.
You lost someone good. You lost someone sincerely, honestly, faithfully good.
It may be too late for me to say it, but at least I am saying it still. You lost someone who loved and cared for you immensely, someone who without any doubt wanted you to be part of his life, and should i even utter it, part of his life forever. But you gave that all away... all away to someone who according to you, you didn't even like.
It was not too many days ago that I realized how cheaply I felt, to have been so easily replaced by someone you "don't even like". Despite how many times I reassured you of my love, and my deep affection for you, despite how I made allowances for you, in the end, it was just too easy shelved in exchange for satisfying the curiosity of you trying to be a whore, a term you used for your act of betrayal.
How should I come to terms with this? I really do not know. So many days have passed and I still do not understand. Part of me still wants to pursue knowing, for my own sake, but a greater part of me lost hope already since, to truly understand, I would need to revisit my love for you again. I would need to revisit my memories of you and the friend you betrayed me with again... something that I feel i have done enough already considering during the times when it should have been me who got comforted, I was too busy consoling and comforting the two of you.
People have thought of me insane and stupid for what I did, and they certainly did not mince words in reaction to the gravity of what the two of you have done, but I could not share in their hate. I could not share in their negativity because, I guess, despite it all, I could still see me loving you, unconditionally, as how love and loving should be.
But enough of it now. You so fittingly mentioned it, putting the past completely behind. As you were quick to shelve my love for a few chances for lust, you are too quick to also move to putting things behind. You are indeed efficient. You always have. You always will be.
So here are my new thoughts on the matter, new thoughts sprung from old wounds still healing for a deep cut worsened by an infection I am still trying to control... alone.
The bitterness has bitten, and I hate myself for feeling this way.
I hope you are happy. One of us should.
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