the embrace

I pan the horizon, the setting sun washing the colors of tin roofs and crumbling facades in hues of crimson and gold. I set my eye finally on you, sitting yourself quietly alone on your ledge, sitting precariously, inches away from a fatal drop i am comforted you will never be a victim of. you are, after all, a person of great control. yet in your quiet stillness, oblivious to my presence, I wonder, what stirs in your mind.

I approach you.

I sit beside you and study your focused expression, your distant stare onto the wide horizon. you did not stir. you did not flinch as if enchanted by a spell i was once aware of. i follow your gaze, beyond glowing roofs and bleeding facades, past the mountains and hills, past the breaking clouds that lined afar, onto the fading setting sun. it called to you.

i know. it called me once too, but the silence has now engulfed me and i have lost my control.

and as the initial inches become feet and miles, and as the image of you become a memory, i feel the wind in my face and wait for the cosmos to catch me, even if i know, you were still tightly in its overwhelming embrace.

the morning after

I decided to wait for a day before I immortalize this snippet of my thoughts. A day for me to be sure, a day for me to let the emotions settle down, for the sake of fairness, for the sake of him, still.

You lost someone good. You lost someone sincerely, honestly, faithfully good.

It may be too late for me to say it, but at least I am saying it still. You lost someone who loved and cared for you immensely, someone who without any doubt wanted you to be part of his life, and should i even utter it, part of his life forever. But you gave that all away... all away to someone who according to you, you didn't even like.

It was not too many days ago that I realized how cheaply I felt, to have been so easily replaced by someone you "don't even like". Despite how many times I reassured you of my love, and my deep affection for you, despite how I made allowances for you, in the end, it was just too easy shelved in exchange for satisfying the curiosity of you trying to be a whore, a term you used for your act of betrayal.

How should I come to terms with this? I really do not know. So many days have passed and I still do not understand. Part of me still wants to pursue knowing, for my own sake, but a greater part of me lost hope already since, to truly understand, I would need to revisit my love for you again. I would need to revisit my memories of you and the friend you betrayed me with again... something that I feel i have done enough already considering during the times when it should have been me who got comforted, I was too busy consoling and comforting the two of you.

People have thought of me insane and stupid for what I did, and they certainly did not mince words in reaction to the gravity of what the two of you have done, but I could not share in their hate. I could not share in their negativity because, I guess, despite it all, I could still see me loving you, unconditionally, as how love and loving should be.

But enough of it now. You so fittingly mentioned it, putting the past completely behind. As you were quick to shelve my love for a few chances for lust, you are too quick to also move to putting things behind. You are indeed efficient. You always have. You always will be.

So here are my new thoughts on the matter, new thoughts sprung from old wounds still healing for a deep cut worsened by an infection I am still trying to control... alone.

The bitterness has bitten, and I hate myself for feeling this way.

I hope you are happy. One of us should.

Tans stick together

Tans stick together. I seem to be telling myself this more and more often these days. I guess when finding oneself in the thick of despair, it helps to be distracted, more so, distracted to focus on positive things. maybe helping others, in turn, we help ourselves as well.

Tans stick together. been helping out this friend, who out of the kindness of his heart, has been helping me as well as i battle through my own hurdles. i guess you can say, we're helping each other out. funny, our problems are both on matters of the heart. i can't really see how far i can be of effect to him, but i still try. i'm rather clueless now on these matters after all that has happened to me but i am still hopeful that maybe, just being there is helping him already.

Tans stick together.
i still think of him regularly. i still miss him terribly. but enough of that for now. enough of me for now.

I hope to only say this once, and in that hope, I pray, that i too will be set free.
I fear I am not too late. I wish that there is still something I can do... to help me.

It has almost been a month since it happened. I didn't realize it had already been that long until someone asked me. I didn't realize that in that month, in the span of time in between, how little I have moved, how little I have managed.

I still feel stuck. I still wallow in the confusion of the why's. Not really asking anymore why you did what you did, or even ruminate in the treachery of it all for in that respect, I have moved on. I have forgiven. But I still stay stranded in my emotions, almost a feeling of chocking sometimes, a persistent lump in my throat, a heaviness in my heart that just would not depart from me. I prayed for it. I willed myself out of it but still, in its stubborness, it remains wedge in my spirit. I want to cry out. I envy you the last time we met, when again I had to defend my stand and officially end it (again) for you. I envy you for you felt the emotion, the loss, the regrets, the pain of losing the one who love. I envy for I could not feel anything anymore. I envy because in the process of it all, I had unknowingly locked my love away in a deep place, shielding it then from the onslaught of emotions that might ensue when you confessed to me. I had locked it away, hid it so well that in the blur of the days that came after, I had forgotten where I had hid it and kept the key.

I looked at you intently that evening, hoping it would stir my memory, hoping that in my want to love you all over again, that my heart would be jolted back from its cold stupor. but none of that happened. I instead felt like I fell a bit deeper into the abyss of my indifference. I hate myself because of it now.

my mind is in an uproar, truth be told. on the rare occasion it allows me to unleash all that energy, to feel pain and live out the ending of the relationship, my heart chose to keep quiet instead. in its silence, it slowly suffocated. in its silence, it slowly drifted into this coma.

my head hurts for it complains incessantly of all the things that had been done to me. it complains of the many why's that it felt were never answered. it grumbles and moans to my heart which responds consistently with "what for?" "it doesn't matter anymore." "all things are done." "it's all over."

I was afraid to hurt you even if you had hurt me beyond anyone I know. I was afraid to retaliate because it would dishonor all the good intentions I had for you, intentions that until now I hold on. I am stuck because I have not allowed myself to anger, to grieve, to satisfy the deep violence I have within me against the ill-treatment that was done towards me, because after all this, I still love you deeply, but I cannot keep you anymore.

this is the legacy of my first relationship.

this is the lesson I am learning.

the hate, I can feel still rages within me, but worry not, no one will see it, nor hear of it. I pray it will not consume me in the end. I pray the Lord will take my loneliness away.