Tans stick together

Tans stick together. I seem to be telling myself this more and more often these days. I guess when finding oneself in the thick of despair, it helps to be distracted, more so, distracted to focus on positive things. maybe helping others, in turn, we help ourselves as well.

Tans stick together. been helping out this friend, who out of the kindness of his heart, has been helping me as well as i battle through my own hurdles. i guess you can say, we're helping each other out. funny, our problems are both on matters of the heart. i can't really see how far i can be of effect to him, but i still try. i'm rather clueless now on these matters after all that has happened to me but i am still hopeful that maybe, just being there is helping him already.

Tans stick together.
i still think of him regularly. i still miss him terribly. but enough of that for now. enough of me for now.

I hope to only say this once, and in that hope, I pray, that i too will be set free.
I fear I am not too late. I wish that there is still something I can do... to help me.

It has almost been a month since it happened. I didn't realize it had already been that long until someone asked me. I didn't realize that in that month, in the span of time in between, how little I have moved, how little I have managed.

I still feel stuck. I still wallow in the confusion of the why's. Not really asking anymore why you did what you did, or even ruminate in the treachery of it all for in that respect, I have moved on. I have forgiven. But I still stay stranded in my emotions, almost a feeling of chocking sometimes, a persistent lump in my throat, a heaviness in my heart that just would not depart from me. I prayed for it. I willed myself out of it but still, in its stubborness, it remains wedge in my spirit. I want to cry out. I envy you the last time we met, when again I had to defend my stand and officially end it (again) for you. I envy you for you felt the emotion, the loss, the regrets, the pain of losing the one who love. I envy for I could not feel anything anymore. I envy because in the process of it all, I had unknowingly locked my love away in a deep place, shielding it then from the onslaught of emotions that might ensue when you confessed to me. I had locked it away, hid it so well that in the blur of the days that came after, I had forgotten where I had hid it and kept the key.

I looked at you intently that evening, hoping it would stir my memory, hoping that in my want to love you all over again, that my heart would be jolted back from its cold stupor. but none of that happened. I instead felt like I fell a bit deeper into the abyss of my indifference. I hate myself because of it now.

my mind is in an uproar, truth be told. on the rare occasion it allows me to unleash all that energy, to feel pain and live out the ending of the relationship, my heart chose to keep quiet instead. in its silence, it slowly suffocated. in its silence, it slowly drifted into this coma.

my head hurts for it complains incessantly of all the things that had been done to me. it complains of the many why's that it felt were never answered. it grumbles and moans to my heart which responds consistently with "what for?" "it doesn't matter anymore." "all things are done." "it's all over."

I was afraid to hurt you even if you had hurt me beyond anyone I know. I was afraid to retaliate because it would dishonor all the good intentions I had for you, intentions that until now I hold on. I am stuck because I have not allowed myself to anger, to grieve, to satisfy the deep violence I have within me against the ill-treatment that was done towards me, because after all this, I still love you deeply, but I cannot keep you anymore.

this is the legacy of my first relationship.

this is the lesson I am learning.

the hate, I can feel still rages within me, but worry not, no one will see it, nor hear of it. I pray it will not consume me in the end. I pray the Lord will take my loneliness away.